Today - Automatic Garage Door

Today, I'm going to go out in the garage, lay on the floor and close the garage door on my strategically placed boob.

Okay, Not really.  But Thats what it's going to feel like I'm sure.

Mammogram and ultra sound . . . this morning.  We'll see how it goes.

Life . . . Nobody get's out alive . .

Life . . . Nobody get's out alive . .

No, I'm not a pessimist.  Them's just the facts.

John had some things come up in his world that took priority (in his mind) over getting further testing done.  He's supposed to get a fasting glucose test, an ultra sound and Hepatitis test.  He doesn't have to have a set appointment for that I guess, and he will probably be getting it done some time tomorrow or Monday.  It's a wait and see game I guess.  But according to him he's changed his diet significantly and has not had another low blood sugar type episode again . . . EXCEPT for last night.   He's also pretty proud to tell me that he's lost 4 lbs! Which is fantastic.

Me . . . still waiting. I've discovered that I HATE taking showers . . .
"Why?" you may ask.  Well for 2 reasons

1.  Cuz with each shower I am losing a handful of hair, and it's making me crazy.  I try to brush through it very carefully, but it just keeps coming out.  ARGH!  I am attributing it to a fairly common condition that affects people 2 - 4 Months after a major stress in their lives.  With Destany dying in June & Tony dying in July . . . I guess it is inevitable.  But still . . . ARGH!

2.  The shower is where I would do a self breast exam, and the only thing that is changing is the hard lump is harder and more easily detected.  I'm guessing about 3-4 CM or "grape sized". 

I await confirmation from the state of MN that they are working on my MNCare application so that I can go to the doctor and get this THING taken care of . . .

So while I wait . . . I google.  I went through a few days of the strange sensation over and over again of the feeling that a nursing mother gets when her "Milk let's down".  Now it only happens once in a while.  Breasts are tender (hormones??) I believe I'm post menopausal . . . so I don't know about hormones.  I read somewhere in my google search that "breast cancer doesn't hurt", then read in another place "Yes it does, just depends on who you talk to".   The good news is . . . I see NO correlation between Hair Loss & Breast Cancer :-) Till you add in Chemotherapy.  (Maybe God's just getting me used to the idea." ????)

I should just UN-google for a while.

52 and Hormonal???

It's been a LONG time since I've written anything new.  But I'm feeling the need for some sort of outlet.

The year has been tough on our family.  I got pretty sick and diagnosed with Hashimoto's.  But thyroid meds seem to be helping quite a bit.  I really have not had too much of an issue since mid summer.

However, the loss of a precious granddaughter (just short of 7 years old), a good friend, and a cousin in the past 5 months really took it's toll on our family.  Sometimes life is just hard to understand.

I quit smoking at the end of January, but started again in June. 

That's a quick catch up . . . now on to the real subject of this post.

Well, I took an 6 day break from this post between the above paragragh and this sentence. " Life interuptace" once again I believe.  This post was going to be the start of a "diary" of sorts.  To list out the symptoms of my latest health worry, and to chronicle the journey from start to finish.  I was going to use it as an outlet for my underlying fear.  Over the past 2 months or more, I've had this MOSTLY secret worry about a possible health scare.  I've called different people and had ordinary conversations with them, and wanted to tell them my worry, but it always worked out that during our ordinary conversations, they had extra ordinary things that they were dealing with and the timing never was right. 

I did, one night at a friends place get the opportunity (during a cigerette break in the garage) to speak with someone who had personal experience in the subject which had me worried.  It did feel good to verbalize the worry, and to listen to her recounting of her experience.  Although, it didn't calm my inner voice down any.  Since that time, I have shared with a couple more people, but . . . I haven't "taken care" of the issue . . . yet.

Then, last week.  I got a call from my 23 year old son's girlfriend, who told me that after a doctors apt and some horrible lab results, it is feared that my son Johnny may have an "Insulin Tumor."  (her words, not mine) Instantly I went into "research" mode . . . and I'm pretty sure that they are suspecting an "insulin PRODUCING tumor", or INSULINOMA.  Which would more than likely be in the pancreas.  He also has an inflamed liver.  He's scheduled to go back to the Doc tomorrow so that they can do some more testing, including an ultrasound.  I intend to be there so that I can get the straight skinny right from the docs mouth, and ask questions and to make sure everything is being done, or checked.  I trust NO ONE completely with the health of my family. (grown or not). 

So, once again . . . ordinary lives having extra ordinary issues. Not good timing for my quiet and mostly secret worries.  First things first.

Random Things I Should've Known but Ultimately had to Learn on My Own (part 1)

Winter guidelines:

• If you're not sure how to open it, Don't close it.
• While the fresh fallen snow looks really pretty and fluffy, it's not so nice when you're locked out of the house. . . . barefoot.
• It's true . . . Your tongue WILL stick to it.
• Ice is slippery
• Butts do break
• Pretty winter boots are not necessarily warm boots or safe boots
• Running through deep snow causes deep muscle pain and deep breathing
• Lungs do freeze

Household guidelines:

• The clothes dryer is not really as fun as it looks
• While playing hide and seek, the best hiding spot is not the freezer (even if no one will find you there)
• The dishwasher does not load itself
• While owning a vacuum cleaner is a good thing, using it is a better thing.
• You can't do ALL the laundry in HOT water
• Separating colors and whites is highly recommended
• Pink clothes are only good if they were pink when you bought them
• If it didn't come from your body, don't flush it.
• If there's water in your light fixture, check the upstairs bathroom
• When the power goes out . . . the microwave does not work
• Nor does the garage door opener
• Nor does the cordless phone (even if you are trying to order pizza)
• Kids really do say the darnedest things
• Don't threaten your school aged children with severe bodily injury (even if it is in jest)
• Teachers don't have the best sense of humor
• Nor does the Department of Family Services
• Boy children do not like pink clothes

A letter to Tianna & My soon to be Son-in-law

My Darling Baby Girl,

Here we are, only hours from your wedding day, and I just wanted to let you know how very proud I am of you.  You are such a beautiful, responsible young lady with drive and determination and I am a lucky woman to have you as my daughter.

I wish with every ounce of my being that I could be with you on this, one of the most memorable days of your life, and I am so sorry that I can’t be.   But I am definitely there with you in spirit.

You’ve always been so steadfast and looking forward.  From the time you were just a baby you’ve had that drive.  If you didn’t want to smile, you didn’t.  If you didn’t want to cry, you didn’t.  If you disagreed with something, you were sure to let me know. 

I believe with all of my heart that you are doing exactly what you want to be doing, and for that I am proud of you and happy for you.

I know you’ll be one of the most beautiful brides that ever walked down the isle, or up the beach.

May God watch over you and Lee throughout your lives and bless you far beyond your wildest dreams.

Love,

 Mom

Dear Lee, My Soon to be Son-in-Law,

In just hours you will take one of my most precious and treasured gifts as your wife and along with her, you will gain our family. (Though truly, you’ve been a valued member for years)

We are very proud of the two of you and love you like a son and a friend.

You’ve had some very difficult times in your  young life and you’ve grown to be an upstanding man with a great character.  I know that your Mom is so proud of you and I am extremely happy that she will be there to witness your vows.

The two of you will face trials in your life together, but I am confident that your love will see you through and the two of you will triumph. 

The one piece of advice that I offer the two of you is to Always lift each other up, and never bring each other down.

May God watch over you and Tia throughout your lives and bless you far beyond your wildest dreams.

Love,

Sandie

Timing is Every Thing!

The above picture was taken two years ago. The rescue workers were trying to extracate Adam, my daughters boyfriend.  He could not extracate himself because about 2 years prior to this scene, he was involved in another accident as a passenger.  As a strapping young Junior in highschool his life changed drastically with a severe spinal injury as a result of that previous accident.  (His wheel chair, cannot be seen in this picture, but it was in the bed of this truck.)  Both my daughter and Adam escaped THIS accident without injury.

As a Mother, this picture is difficult to look at.  But I thank the Lord each and everytime that I do.

A few years prior to this accident, this same daughter was in another icy road roll over in my car.

 A friend of hers had come to our house on an icy snow day.  A welcomed day off of school.  Her friend had accidently locked his keys in his running car in my driveway.  He said he had another set of keys at home (about 6 miles away).  I allowed them to take my car back to his house to retrieve his keys. 

I had a police scanner in my kitchen that was always on, and while I was going about my daily routine, I heard my name on the scanner.  Time stood still as I went to the counter where the scanner was located and I stared at it . . . willing it to speak again, and repeat what I just had heard.

The dispatcher repeated:  Vehicle information, "registered owner, Sandra Adams".   Instantly my hands began to shake, I felt vommit in my throat and a moment from about 6 years prior tried to illicit my every fear.  I picked up the phone and called the sherrif's office.  The dispatcher answered and I explained that I had just heard my name on the scanner, and I demanded to know why.

The dispatcher responded with "Oh, okay, yes Sandra.  I'm going to have to have the officer who 'came upon it' call you back"!  WHAT?????

"Came upon it"!?!  OMG, I thought I would collapse right there.  I told my husband (now my EXhusband) to go start his vehicle which had been "iced in" behind sliding doors in our large shed.  Meanwhile, I paced.  I hyperventilated, I grew grey hairs.  In what seemed like a lifetime later, but in actuallity it was about 5 minutes and my phone rang.  I picked it up before the first ring finished.

The officer on the other end of the phone explained that my car was located rolled over in the ditch about 3 miles away.  NOBODY was in it!  I asked him in a voice that didn't even seem like my own, "Did you look UNDER it?"  He was pretty certain that there was no one under the vehicle . . . I was not so sure.

He explained that they had called a tow truck and would soon have it uprighted.  I told him I'd be there in 3 minutes.

When I arrived at the scene, I saw my car rolled over in the ditched and several people standing around while a tow truck driver was hooking up to my vehicle to get it righted.  Within the people I saw, I spotted my daughter and her friend.  Instantly, I started to bawl and started toward her.  It was like the rest of the world was black, and all I could see was her unharmed beautiful face (though looking back I think she was terrified to see me). When I got to her, I took her in my arms and hugged her, and NEVER wanted to let go.  She sobbed "I'm sorry Mom, we wrecked your car."  She had no idea that I really didn't give a flying you know what about my car.

What had happened was, they were on their way back to my house when they lost control on the ice and crossed the oncoming lane of traffic sideways, hit the shoulder on the opposite side of the road and rolled the vehicle. They both had their seatbelts on and both walked away unharmed. 

One of my beautiful daughters being in an accident would be bad enough. But couple it with the fact that several years prior to that accident . . . I received a call that would forever change how I perceived life.

January 11, 1996
That evening I was on the phone with someone I hadn't spoken to in a little while and they asked, "How are you?"  My response was "It can't get any worse." 
We were having an extremely cold, cold snap and had lost some very expensive livestock because of the weather, and my car had been disabled after a rough extracation from a deep and solid snow drift.  I wasn't going to be able to go to work the next day, and life was just not going right. 

Those words, "It can't get any worse" have haunted me to this day.  I challenged Satan, and he called me on it.

The next day, I was home, whining about my car, and shortly before noon, I answered a phone call and it was my husbands ex wife.  She announced to me in a voice that lacked all emotion, but was full of shock that my husbands 18 year old son, my stepson was killed in a car accident that morning.  They (he and two other kids) were on their way to school where he was a senior and had lost control on an icy road, slid sideways across the oncoming lane of traffic, and were broadsided by a school bus. My stepson was the passenger in the car and died on the scene.

The world stopped.

I loved that young man.  He had the most beautiful smile I had ever seen.  One that could make a mad parent forget what they were mad about.  It was also one that he shared with his older brother, his beautiful younger sister and their Mom.

A minute after I hung up the phone my husband drove in our driveway. 

"How on earth am I going to tell him"?

He came in the door, and I said "I just got a horrible phone call.  Charlie was in an accident, and he was killed."  My voice sounded the same as his ex wife's did. Shock

My husband's  knees buckled and he literally fell to the floor.  I had to physically pick him up and bring him to a chair.  After a few minutes, I put his coat on him, and I drove us to his ex wife's house an hour away.  As I drove . . . I remember being amazed that the world was still going on when ours had stopped. I remember thinking "How can these people being going through this day, smiling, laughing and having fun? Don't they know?"

It was horrible!  And the words from the night before . . . "It can't get any worse" rang over and over in my mind.  These are NOW words I would never again utter.

The point is:  Basically, my stepson Charlie & years later my daughter had the VERY SAME accident.  The only difference had been in the oncoming traffic.  AND, had I not had an issue with my car the day prior, I would not have gotten THAT call and would not have known till many hours later.  AND, as at had turned out, my wonderful stepdaughter had wanted to ride in the car that fateful morning with my stepson, but he (and their Mom) had told her "No.".

Yes . . . timing is EVERYTHING.

Can you think of a time that changed YOUR life, but had the circumstances (or timing) been different would have changed the whole thing to a non eventful moment?

Wrinkles

Having been a sun worshipper and a smoker all of my adult life, my mirror recently seems to be shining a spotlight on the crows feet  around my eyes and various other creases and folds upon my face.  I could change the light bulbs to a lower wattage, but unfortunately, I seem to be having a little difficulty seeing in dim light these days.  Ahhh the curses of aging.

I think back to about 10 years ago.  I saw an elderly woman (probably in her mid 70's).  It was at a bowling center, and she was in the lane next to me.  She had more wrinkles on her face than there are stars in the sky.  Deep, well defined creases . . . . and she was Beautiful!  I was mesmerized by her.  Each line seemed to tell a story, and the sparkle in her eyes held so much life.  The smile on her face was joyful, yet I knew instinctively that she had seen much pain.  I remember thinking to myself, "I hope I can age as gracefully as her".

But now . . . looking in the mirror I'm irritated.  And I wonder if that lady from 10 years ago was irritated when she looked in the mirror?  Her beauty seemed so effortless. 

Now that I think about it, her beauty was from within, and it was the lens that surrounded her that I was seeing her through. 

Note to self:

1.  Work on the inner beauty
2.  Until that's taken care of, change the light bulbs in the bathroom.